Courtesy of Wedding Window

Sunday, July 22, 2018

I Feel Pretty







I saw a great movie last night and it got me to thinking...



Things just got real over here!



When I was a little girl, there was a time when I thought everyone was my friend, the way that most kids do.  When I went to a new place, I didn\"t think, "What if they don\"t like me?"  Instead, I would think, "Oh yay!  New friends!"  Sadly, as the years passed and I became self-aware, I became insecure.  I tried hard to put on a good front, and for the most part, people thought I was friendly and outgoing.  Occasionally though, someone would see through that facade.



One year in Colorado, my insecure flag was flying high and although I was around some new people, I was only talking with my "already" friends.  A guy I had just met said that I was "snobby".  Snobby?  Oh, no.  Just extremely insecure.  Thankfully, he saw my true self and we became fast friends.  That year may have been the most fun I ever had at the Colorado camp outs, and I made some life-long friends.



As I got older, I found security in things I was good at.  Whether it be working at a job, having company and being a good hostess, being organized and helping with Christmas programs, volunteering at the school, or whatever.  Anything I could feel "good" at, gave me a "place" and I didn\"t have to feel awkward.  Want help at a party?  Invite me!  I\"ll be the first one to jump in and help because it gives me a purpose. Now, don\"t get me wrong.  The insecurity was still there... and sometimes it was a huge, roaring monster in my head.  And, sadly, it made me less of a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend.  Can you imagine the confidence my own daughter would have if she\"d had a mom that was uber secure and confident and not afraid of being "less"?



After my divorce, I knew I had to go back to work.  And let me tell you, that insecure monster was BIG.  But, God came through for me with the perfect starter job that I could be good at... a Hallmark Card representative.  On days that my head was roaring too loudly, I could walk in, start working and instantly feel better about myself.



Over the years, I\"d always found security at the school, even if it was just volunteering in my children\"s classrooms, or taking them and their friends to ballgames, etc.  I was a good "school mom".  After a bit, I was blessed with a job there, and thankfully, I have found confidence and self-assurance in it.  I LOVE my job and am so thankful for it.  Sometimes, just like with Hallmark, my head will be roaring and all I have to do is step in the doors of the school and I\"m calm, and in my element.  



In the 9 years since my divorce, I have really struggled with personal self-confidence.  My hair is ugly.  I\"m too fat.  I talk too loud.  Time and time again, I wonder why anyone would even want to be friends with me. I won\"t get up and walk across a crowded room.  I won\"t let someone take my picture.  I won\"t branch out of my inner circle.  I just don\"t feel good about myself.  Ever so often, I\"ll have a "good" day.  I feel good, it\"s a good hair day, I may have on a new outfit, or maybe I have new make up on.  Those days are the best.  Those are the days that I have a spring in my step and I\"m "in it to win in" and I feel "likeable".  Unfortunately, those days don\"t come often.  But, once again, I\"m extremely good at hiding it and pray all the time that people don\"t realize how insecure I really am.



So, about that movie.  It\"s called, "I feel pretty".

The premise is this:  She\"s chubby and not quite in style.  She\"s insecure and not going places in life.  She has a small friend group and that\"s about it.  She\"s super intimidated by the beautiful people.  Her greatest wish is to be one of them... to be beautiful.  Well, she falls and hits her head.  When she comes to, what she sees in the mirror is an extremely beautiful, thin, amazing woman.  It immediately changes her behavior.  When she\"d normally hang back and not even let someone open the door for her, she suddenly thinks everyone is opening the door for her, even when they aren\"t.  She thinks everyone sees that she\"s drop dead gorgeous.  She joins all sorts of things that are way out of her norm.  She talks to everyone without reservation.  The thing is... she\"s exactly how she\"s always been, but her HEAD is different.  Her head sees that she\"s beautiful, amazing.  If you haven\"t seen it... trust me, you want to.  It\"s got such a great message.



The thing that struck me is... I do the same thing.  My head is the problem... not me.  I\"m Sandy, regardless of what I look like, regardless of my size or what my hair looks like or if I\"m frumpy and unfashionable.  And you know what?  If people don\"t like me, that\"s okay.  I don\"t have to be super thin.  I don\"t have to be in style if I don\"t want to.  I can talk loud.  AND IT\"S OKAY!!  What a revelation. 



I can\"t stop thinking about the movie, and I really feel like this is going to change my world somehow.  I resolve TODAY to change my head... because I\"m worth it.



Sunday, February 11, 2018

The Chicken Whisperer

First of all, I should state that I am terribly afraid of chickens.  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty scared of all birds.  Seriously.  And just my luck… they are drawn to me.  

After several "bird" instances and a divorce, I moved to town with my kids and thought I had escaped the fowl life.  I only had two trees in my yard and my bird exposure was pretty limited.  I started feeling complacent and even hung up a bird feeder, just in case they were hungry.  The birds and I were living a peaceful existence, each of us minding our own business.

Then it happened... my neighbors behind me got chickens.   Every day and night I could hear them.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  It was like one of those horror movies where you could hear the birds before they attacked.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”. 

When I would mow the grass, they’d come to the fence and watch me with their beady little eyes.  As I mowed along the fence row, they’d follow me to the end of their pen.  Back and forth, back and forth.  It was creepy.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  Follow, follow, follow.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”. Follow, follow, follow.

As time went on, we got used to each other.  Don’t get me wrong, there is no way I was going to stick my fingers through the fence, but I got to where I kind of liked their little clucking and I figured out that the reason they were following me on the mower was because they liked the grass clippings I was shooting into their pen.  I even began greeting them when I went out into the backyard.  “Hi chickens!”  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”, they’d respond.  We were getting along smashingly well, but then came the great escape.

Have you ever seen the movie, “Chicken Run”?  The gist of the movie is that the chickens are trying to figure out a way to escape before the farmer eats them.  Now, I don’t think my neighbors were planning to eat these chickens, but they did eat their eggs.  I, however, am allergic to eggs and don’t eat them.  Do you think the chickens could sense this?  Did they like this about me?  Sometimes I wondered.

One day I glanced out my back window and saw a white chicken in my yard.  I called my neighbor and told her she had an escapee, and she came over with her daughter and corralled the chicken and took it home.   A few days later, a different chicken was in my yard.  This time, my neighbor wasn’t home, so my daughter and I (Sheridan doing most of the work and me, armed with a broom, only getting as close as absolutely necessary) herded the chicken into a corner and encouraged it to fly back in through the hole it came out of.  They boarded up the hole and that was that.  Until it wasn’t.  The chickens obviously regrouped and came up with plan B. 

About a week later, the white chicken was back in my yard.  By this time, I’d name her Houdini because she truly was a great escape artist.  Each time she’d get out, I’d call my neighbor, she would get one of her daughters and they would come over and commence to corralling the chicken.  It was like the Great Rat Race.  Houdini would run to the left, they’d move to the left, and just before they could grab her, she’d run to the right.  They’d move to the right, and just before they could grab her, she’d fly up in the air.  It was really hysterical, all the while being just a tad terrorizing to me at the same time.  Finally, they’d get the chicken and take her back home.  That scenario happened time and time again.  After a time, Houdini started bringing Houdoneit with her.  They just loved my grass.  Someone must have told them the old adage, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.

 One day, after my neighbors had succeeded in corralling Houdini and Houdoneit, yet again, I glanced out the window and saw… THREE chickens in my yard.  They were multiplying!  I got a little hysterical for a moment, thinking about the off-chance that they might all get out of their pen and into my back yard.  How would I ever leave my house again?

            I sent my neighbor a text and she said they’d come get them later.  I forgot about them for a while, until I went to shut my blinds for the night.  I glanced out and saw that my yard was once again chicken-free and that all the chickens had gone into their coop to roost for the night.  I was just about to close up shop and head to bed, and then I heard it:  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  Oh no.  There was one more left out there in the dark… in my yard.  She sounded sad, lost and lonely.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  I couldn’t help myself.  I went outside, peeked around the side of my house and there she was.  A HUGE black chicken.  As crazy as it sounds, that chicken was sending me some mom telepathy.  I was compelled to follow her; she sounded so sad.  I knew that all she wanted was to go to roost with her fellow girl chickens but she couldn’t figure out how to get back home. 

          Just then, I had some sort of out-of-body experience.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I slowly followed her around to the front of my house talking quietly and calmly to her.  I told her that I was really afraid of her, but I knew she needed help.  I told her that if she’d get on my porch and be still, that I would pick her up and take her home.  Yes, I know that sounds like the ramblings of a crazy woman, but hey, you do what you’ve gotta do. 

          As we rounded the corner to my front yard, I’ll be danged.  That chicken climbed up on my porch, turned around, looked me straight in the eye and stood perfectly still.  As unbelievable as it sounds, that chicken was giving me a chance to help her.  So, as promised, I reached down to pick her up, all the while asking her really nicely to please not bite me.  She never moved a muscle.  I picked her up and cradled her in my arms like a cat - I mean, obviously I had no chicken carrying experience – and started walking.  She never squawked or ruffled a feather.  I carried her all the way home and put her in the pen and she was perfectly still the whole time.  Once I let her down, she turned to look at me as if she were saying, “Thanks for the ride!”,  and into the coop she went.



          I have no explanation except to say, she loved me, obviously.  Like I said… I am the chicken whisperer.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.