Birthday Musings

Yesterday was my 51st birthday… fifty-one years… wow.  I remember as a teenager how 51 seemed OLD.  Now, as I look ahead, I realize that if I live as long as my mom did, I only have 29 years left.  I understand that 29 years is a long time, but I also know that it will pass in the literal blink of an eye.  On the other hand, 29 more years is a long time to live this life alone… Man, I really want to find my soulmate and live my life to the fullest with them.  How does one even go about finding their soulmate in this life?  I thought I’d found it one time.  I was for sure wrong though. 🤔  

I sure missed my Momma yesterday.  I mean, I always miss both my mom and my dad, but my mom just had a way with birthdays.  It didn’t matter if you were turning 1, 21, or 51, she’d be there to make a big deal out of it.  Although I received many, many wishes yesterday, and I truly cherished each of them, it wasn’t, and will never be the same, without my Momma to make me feel special, to take me to lunch, to buy me too many gifts.  I didn’t even take yesterday off work because I’d have just been alone… 

I’ve really been feeling a ‘loss’ lately.  I think it’s just the realization that I’ve been alone for 12 years now.  That’s a REALLY long time to do this life alone!  That’s too long to be the only adult, the decision maker.  A long time without true love and affection.  Sigh.  Although God has given me so many blessings in this life, I sincerely hope my time alone is almost over, and that He gives me a companion soon. ❤️ 

My mom’s favorite bible verse was Isaiah 40:31.  “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

The older I get, the more I appreciate this scripture.  #waitingontheLordtoprovide

Dream - The Way Home

One night I went to bed, troubled about something.  God gave me a dream that, even though I couldn’t interpret it at the time, would eventually become so clear…

I dreamed that I was driving slowly down a long driveway towards a white double wide mobile home.  In the front yard, there were lots of young kids and young adults playing volleyball. There was only one adult out there with them.  It was a friend of mine that is very friendly to the young people in real life.  As I got closer to them, I realized that all of the young men were naked from the waist down.  All of them.  And this friend of mine ran up to me and said, “come play volleyball with us!” I looked at these naked boys and said, “no, that’s not for me, thanks” and kept driving towards the house.  I was so shocked that no one seemed to care that these young men were naked!  I parked my car around the side of the house and went in the back door.  I walked into the living room and it was full of my friends and brethren from my home assembly. I sat down in the living room but no one spoke to me.  They were just awkwardly looking around at each other.  I specifically recognized two people, although in my dream I knew the rest were Cushing brethren in general. One of the older men looked at me and said, “I think you should go on.  This isn’t for you anymore.”  I was hurt, but got up and left.  As I was driving away from the back of the house, I called my mom and told her I was trying to get home but couldn’t find the right way.  She told me that if I’d get on I-95, and follow it around, that it would bring me home.  I argued and told her that I always went another way.  She just kept insisting that I take this new route and I’d be okay. 

Then I woke up.  Fast forward to today:  The white double wide?  My home church. The adult friend that was out in the yard with the young people?  Turns out, in real life she was cheating on her husband with several of those young men.  The two people I specifically recognized in the house?  They are no longer together.  The man that told me to leave and go on?  An elder in my home assembly where I no longer feel welcome or wanted.  The new route that my mom sent me on?  I’m divorced and trying to find my way to heaven in the midst of chaos.  

Wow.  God was telling me ALL the things, I just couldn’t hear them at the time!  He’s done that for me many, many times over the years.  I need to be a better listener…