Courtesy of Wedding Window

Sunday, July 22, 2018

I Feel Pretty







I saw a great movie last night and it got me to thinking...



Things just got real over here!



When I was a little girl, there was a time when I thought everyone was my friend, the way that most kids do.  When I went to a new place, I didn\"t think, "What if they don\"t like me?"  Instead, I would think, "Oh yay!  New friends!"  Sadly, as the years passed and I became self-aware, I became insecure.  I tried hard to put on a good front, and for the most part, people thought I was friendly and outgoing.  Occasionally though, someone would see through that facade.



One year in Colorado, my insecure flag was flying high and although I was around some new people, I was only talking with my "already" friends.  A guy I had just met said that I was "snobby".  Snobby?  Oh, no.  Just extremely insecure.  Thankfully, he saw my true self and we became fast friends.  That year may have been the most fun I ever had at the Colorado camp outs, and I made some life-long friends.



As I got older, I found security in things I was good at.  Whether it be working at a job, having company and being a good hostess, being organized and helping with Christmas programs, volunteering at the school, or whatever.  Anything I could feel "good" at, gave me a "place" and I didn\"t have to feel awkward.  Want help at a party?  Invite me!  I\"ll be the first one to jump in and help because it gives me a purpose. Now, don\"t get me wrong.  The insecurity was still there... and sometimes it was a huge, roaring monster in my head.  And, sadly, it made me less of a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend.  Can you imagine the confidence my own daughter would have if she\"d had a mom that was uber secure and confident and not afraid of being "less"?



After my divorce, I knew I had to go back to work.  And let me tell you, that insecure monster was BIG.  But, God came through for me with the perfect starter job that I could be good at... a Hallmark Card representative.  On days that my head was roaring too loudly, I could walk in, start working and instantly feel better about myself.



Over the years, I\"d always found security at the school, even if it was just volunteering in my children\"s classrooms, or taking them and their friends to ballgames, etc.  I was a good "school mom".  After a bit, I was blessed with a job there, and thankfully, I have found confidence and self-assurance in it.  I LOVE my job and am so thankful for it.  Sometimes, just like with Hallmark, my head will be roaring and all I have to do is step in the doors of the school and I\"m calm, and in my element.  



In the 9 years since my divorce, I have really struggled with personal self-confidence.  My hair is ugly.  I\"m too fat.  I talk too loud.  Time and time again, I wonder why anyone would even want to be friends with me. I won\"t get up and walk across a crowded room.  I won\"t let someone take my picture.  I won\"t branch out of my inner circle.  I just don\"t feel good about myself.  Ever so often, I\"ll have a "good" day.  I feel good, it\"s a good hair day, I may have on a new outfit, or maybe I have new make up on.  Those days are the best.  Those are the days that I have a spring in my step and I\"m "in it to win in" and I feel "likeable".  Unfortunately, those days don\"t come often.  But, once again, I\"m extremely good at hiding it and pray all the time that people don\"t realize how insecure I really am.



So, about that movie.  It\"s called, "I feel pretty".

The premise is this:  She\"s chubby and not quite in style.  She\"s insecure and not going places in life.  She has a small friend group and that\"s about it.  She\"s super intimidated by the beautiful people.  Her greatest wish is to be one of them... to be beautiful.  Well, she falls and hits her head.  When she comes to, what she sees in the mirror is an extremely beautiful, thin, amazing woman.  It immediately changes her behavior.  When she\"d normally hang back and not even let someone open the door for her, she suddenly thinks everyone is opening the door for her, even when they aren\"t.  She thinks everyone sees that she\"s drop dead gorgeous.  She joins all sorts of things that are way out of her norm.  She talks to everyone without reservation.  The thing is... she\"s exactly how she\"s always been, but her HEAD is different.  Her head sees that she\"s beautiful, amazing.  If you haven\"t seen it... trust me, you want to.  It\"s got such a great message.



The thing that struck me is... I do the same thing.  My head is the problem... not me.  I\"m Sandy, regardless of what I look like, regardless of my size or what my hair looks like or if I\"m frumpy and unfashionable.  And you know what?  If people don\"t like me, that\"s okay.  I don\"t have to be super thin.  I don\"t have to be in style if I don\"t want to.  I can talk loud.  AND IT\"S OKAY!!  What a revelation. 



I can\"t stop thinking about the movie, and I really feel like this is going to change my world somehow.  I resolve TODAY to change my head... because I\"m worth it.