Day 1 of 365... Let's Get This Party Started!

Last July I saw a movie that would eventually change my life.  I knew it at the time (see my previous blog post), but just didn't know exactly how it would change me.  So... my blog is titled, "You might as well make lemonade"... and I truly believe that I have "made lemonade" these past 10 years since my divorce.  I have looked adversity in the face and risen above many times.  It hasn't always been easy, that's for certain.  Sometimes my lemonade was sour, salty, bitter and watered out, and there were definitely times I felt like I'd crash and burn.  But, hey!  I'm still here and making it!

In July, I had a revelation that my head was my problem.  It screamed insecurities at me.  I let it tell me all sorts of ugly things and I had let myself believe them... for years.  I knew in July that I had to figure my head out before anything else in my life would change.  I also realized then that it wasn't what was on the outside that really counts... it's what's on the inside that matters.  I struggled to accept myself as I was, regardless of circumstances, size, shape, looks, personality, etc. But at the same time, I wanted to be healthy, and to be a better me both inside and out.  I really began to work on myself, and on my insecurities, my confidence.  But I never could get that one part of my head on the straight and narrow... the part that yelled at me that I couldn't lose weight, that I never would, that I didn't deserve to.  Then suddenly, in the past couple of weeks, it finally all just came together and "clicked" in my head.

This morning marked the start of my new life.  Not just a "diet", but a complete change of mindset.  And for the first time in years and years... I know I CAN do this, and I definitely DESERVE it.  I've started out on a one year journey to greatness... a year to improve myself, in a lot of ways.  A year from now, you'll see a "new" me, at least on the outside.  The inside me will always be the ME you know... hopefully with a few improvements there too but y'all, I'm about as real as it gets.  No fakeness here and that won't change!  Love me or leave me, either one is okay.  It's all about the journey, and those that make the journey with me will be the ones that I need in my life.

With that being said, I'm changing things up a little bit.  I'm trying to be transparent, because, well, that's just how I roll.   Instead of "You might as well make lemonade", my new phrase is going to be "You might as well make DIET lemonade".  For YEARS, I haven't "really" tried to lose weight.  Oh, I've put my hand to it a little here and a little there over the years, but not with true effort.  And why not?  Well, for quite a few reasons, some being more expedient to talk about than others.  There's just some dirty laundry that needs to stay... buried... for lack of a better word.  Let's just say that people's words can be more hurtful than they know and can stay with you for a lifetime if you let them.  It's time to let them go.

I've done some soul-searching these past few years, and especially since last July, and I've made some changes for myself... some popular with others, some not.  And THAT'S OKAY!  I'm doing me, you do you, and we'll get along just fine.

For Day 1 of my 365 day journey, here are some observations:

1.  I like grapes way better than I thought I did.
2.  I don't like Egg Substitute.  Blech.
3.  If I eat the right things, I'm really not hungry between meals.
4.  Who knew that you could eat SO MUCH food and it be legal??
5.  If you put your water in a cute Rae Dunn refillable water bottle, you drink a lot more than when it's in a boring old cup.
6.  I have no clue how I can feel this full, be on target with my diet and yet still lose weight... but "they" say it works.
7.  It's amazing what a good mindset will do for your confidence.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I honestly had a great day, in public with zero insecurities. 

You guys... come ride this train with me.  I need all the encouragement I can get!  (Just don't side-eye judge me if you see me eating something you think I shouldn't... this is a year-long journey and no one is perfect for a whole freakin' year.)

FOOD JOURNAL, DAY 1 of 365:

Breakfast:  2 Eggs (0 points), 1/4 C of Fat Free cheddar cheese (0 points), 2 slices of Canadian Bacon (1 pt), 1 Mission Carb Balance tortilla (2 points) and water.  3 points of SUCCESS!!

Lunch:  1 Small bowl of Chicken Tortilla Soup from Chick Fil A (5 points), 8 regular chicken nuggets (6 points), and unsweetened tea (0 points).  11 points of SUCCESS!!

Snack:  Grapes (my new favorite) (0 points).  0 points of SUCCESS!!

Dinner:  24 bite-sized Tostitos chips (4 points), 1/2 Cup of ground turkey w/ taco seasoning (0 points), 1/2 cup of chili beans (0 points), 1/4 cup of corn (0 points), Fat Free shredded cheddar cheese (0 points).  4 points of SUCCESS!!

Y'all, I'm STUFFED.  And I still have points I can eat today if I want.  I can't imagine... Lol.

So far, so good.  3 meals down out of 1,095... I CAN DO THIS!

It's been a good, good day.

I Feel Pretty

I saw a great movie last night and it got me to thinking...



Things just got real over here!



When I was a little girl, there was a time when I thought everyone was my friend, the way that most kids do.  When I went to a new place, I didn\"t think, "What if they don\"t like me?"  Instead, I would think, "Oh yay!  New friends!"  Sadly, as the years passed and I became self-aware, I became insecure.  I tried hard to put on a good front, and for the most part, people thought I was friendly and outgoing.  Occasionally though, someone would see through that facade.



One year in Colorado, my insecure flag was flying high and although I was around some new people, I was only talking with my "already" friends.  A guy I had just met said that I was "snobby".  Snobby?  Oh, no.  Just extremely insecure.  Thankfully, he saw my true self and we became fast friends.  That year may have been the most fun I ever had at the Colorado camp outs, and I made some life-long friends.



As I got older, I found security in things I was good at.  Whether it be working at a job, having company and being a good hostess, being organized and helping with Christmas programs, volunteering at the school, or whatever.  Anything I could feel "good" at, gave me a "place" and I didn\"t have to feel awkward.  Want help at a party?  Invite me!  I\"ll be the first one to jump in and help because it gives me a purpose. Now, don\"t get me wrong.  The insecurity was still there... and sometimes it was a huge, roaring monster in my head.  And, sadly, it made me less of a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend.  Can you imagine the confidence my own daughter would have if she\"d had a mom that was uber secure and confident and not afraid of being "less"?



After my divorce, I knew I had to go back to work.  And let me tell you, that insecure monster was BIG.  But, God came through for me with the perfect starter job that I could be good at... a Hallmark Card representative.  On days that my head was roaring too loudly, I could walk in, start working and instantly feel better about myself.



Over the years, I\"d always found security at the school, even if it was just volunteering in my children\"s classrooms, or taking them and their friends to ballgames, etc.  I was a good "school mom".  After a bit, I was blessed with a job there, and thankfully, I have found confidence and self-assurance in it.  I LOVE my job and am so thankful for it.  Sometimes, just like with Hallmark, my head will be roaring and all I have to do is step in the doors of the school and I\"m calm, and in my element.  



In the 9 years since my divorce, I have really struggled with personal self-confidence.  My hair is ugly.  I\"m too fat.  I talk too loud.  Time and time again, I wonder why anyone would even want to be friends with me. I won\"t get up and walk across a crowded room.  I won\"t let someone take my picture.  I won\"t branch out of my inner circle.  I just don\"t feel good about myself.  Ever so often, I\"ll have a "good" day.  I feel good, it\"s a good hair day, I may have on a new outfit, or maybe I have new make up on.  Those days are the best.  Those are the days that I have a spring in my step and I\"m "in it to win in" and I feel "likeable".  Unfortunately, those days don\"t come often.  But, once again, I\"m extremely good at hiding it and pray all the time that people don\"t realize how insecure I really am.



So, about that movie.  It\"s called, "I feel pretty".

The premise is this:  She\"s chubby and not quite in style.  She\"s insecure and not going places in life.  She has a small friend group and that\"s about it.  She\"s super intimidated by the beautiful people.  Her greatest wish is to be one of them... to be beautiful.  Well, she falls and hits her head.  When she comes to, what she sees in the mirror is an extremely beautiful, thin, amazing woman.  It immediately changes her behavior.  When she\"d normally hang back and not even let someone open the door for her, she suddenly thinks everyone is opening the door for her, even when they aren\"t.  She thinks everyone sees that she\"s drop dead gorgeous.  She joins all sorts of things that are way out of her norm.  She talks to everyone without reservation.  The thing is... she\"s exactly how she\"s always been, but her HEAD is different.  Her head sees that she\"s beautiful, amazing.  If you haven\"t seen it... trust me, you want to.  It\"s got such a great message.



The thing that struck me is... I do the same thing.  My head is the problem... not me.  I\"m Sandy, regardless of what I look like, regardless of my size or what my hair looks like or if I\"m frumpy and unfashionable.  And you know what?  If people don\"t like me, that\"s okay.  I don\"t have to be super thin.  I don\"t have to be in style if I don\"t want to.  I can talk loud.  AND IT\"S OKAY!!  What a revelation. 



I can\"t stop thinking about the movie, and I really feel like this is going to change my world somehow.  I resolve TODAY to change my head... because I\"m worth it.

The Chicken Whisperer

First of all, I should state that I am terribly afraid of chickens.  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty scared of all birds.  Seriously.  And just my luck… they are drawn to me.  

After several "bird" instances and a divorce, I moved to town with my kids and thought I had escaped the fowl life.  I only had two trees in my yard and my bird exposure was pretty limited.  I started feeling complacent and even hung up a bird feeder, just in case they were hungry.  The birds and I were living a peaceful existence, each of us minding our own business.

Then it happened... my neighbors behind me got chickens.   Every day and night I could hear them.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  It was like one of those horror movies where you could hear the birds before they attacked.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”. 

When I would mow the grass, they’d come to the fence and watch me with their beady little eyes.  As I mowed along the fence row, they’d follow me to the end of their pen.  Back and forth, back and forth.  It was creepy.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  Follow, follow, follow.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”. Follow, follow, follow.

As time went on, we got used to each other.  Don’t get me wrong, there is no way I was going to stick my fingers through the fence, but I got to where I kind of liked their little clucking and I figured out that the reason they were following me on the mower was because they liked the grass clippings I was shooting into their pen.  I even began greeting them when I went out into the backyard.  “Hi chickens!”  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”, they’d respond.  We were getting along smashingly well, but then came the great escape.

Have you ever seen the movie, “Chicken Run”?  The gist of the movie is that the chickens are trying to figure out a way to escape before the farmer eats them.  Now, I don’t think my neighbors were planning to eat these chickens, but they did eat their eggs.  I, however, am allergic to eggs and don’t eat them.  Do you think the chickens could sense this?  Did they like this about me?  Sometimes I wondered.

One day I glanced out my back window and saw a white chicken in my yard.  I called my neighbor and told her she had an escapee, and she came over with her daughter and corralled the chicken and took it home.   A few days later, a different chicken was in my yard.  This time, my neighbor wasn’t home, so my daughter and I (Sheridan doing most of the work and me, armed with a broom, only getting as close as absolutely necessary) herded the chicken into a corner and encouraged it to fly back in through the hole it came out of.  They boarded up the hole and that was that.  Until it wasn’t.  The chickens obviously regrouped and came up with plan B. 

About a week later, the white chicken was back in my yard.  By this time, I’d name her Houdini because she truly was a great escape artist.  Each time she’d get out, I’d call my neighbor, she would get one of her daughters and they would come over and commence to corralling the chicken.  It was like the Great Rat Race.  Houdini would run to the left, they’d move to the left, and just before they could grab her, she’d run to the right.  They’d move to the right, and just before they could grab her, she’d fly up in the air.  It was really hysterical, all the while being just a tad terrorizing to me at the same time.  Finally, they’d get the chicken and take her back home.  That scenario happened time and time again.  After a time, Houdini started bringing Houdoneit with her.  They just loved my grass.  Someone must have told them the old adage, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.

 One day, after my neighbors had succeeded in corralling Houdini and Houdoneit, yet again, I glanced out the window and saw… THREE chickens in my yard.  They were multiplying!  I got a little hysterical for a moment, thinking about the off-chance that they might all get out of their pen and into my back yard.  How would I ever leave my house again?

            I sent my neighbor a text and she said they’d come get them later.  I forgot about them for a while, until I went to shut my blinds for the night.  I glanced out and saw that my yard was once again chicken-free and that all the chickens had gone into their coop to roost for the night.  I was just about to close up shop and head to bed, and then I heard it:  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  Oh no.  There was one more left out there in the dark… in my yard.  She sounded sad, lost and lonely.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.  I couldn’t help myself.  I went outside, peeked around the side of my house and there she was.  A HUGE black chicken.  As crazy as it sounds, that chicken was sending me some mom telepathy.  I was compelled to follow her; she sounded so sad.  I knew that all she wanted was to go to roost with her fellow girl chickens but she couldn’t figure out how to get back home. 

          Just then, I had some sort of out-of-body experience.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I slowly followed her around to the front of my house talking quietly and calmly to her.  I told her that I was really afraid of her, but I knew she needed help.  I told her that if she’d get on my porch and be still, that I would pick her up and take her home.  Yes, I know that sounds like the ramblings of a crazy woman, but hey, you do what you’ve gotta do. 

          As we rounded the corner to my front yard, I’ll be danged.  That chicken climbed up on my porch, turned around, looked me straight in the eye and stood perfectly still.  As unbelievable as it sounds, that chicken was giving me a chance to help her.  So, as promised, I reached down to pick her up, all the while asking her really nicely to please not bite me.  She never moved a muscle.  I picked her up and cradled her in my arms like a cat - I mean, obviously I had no chicken carrying experience – and started walking.  She never squawked or ruffled a feather.  I carried her all the way home and put her in the pen and she was perfectly still the whole time.  Once I let her down, she turned to look at me as if she were saying, “Thanks for the ride!”,  and into the coop she went.

          I have no explanation except to say, she loved me, obviously.  Like I said… I am the chicken whisperer.  “Cluck, cluck, cluck”.

Old Hands

OLD HANDS

When my son was little, we were at church one day and he said, "Mom, Bro. Port is really old."  I asked him, "Why do you say that?"  And he replied, "Because he has old hands."

I stopped for a moment to consider this brother's hands.  They were wrinkled, and his fingers were a little twisted.  His hands were weathered, with some age spots.  I looked down at my own hands.  They were smooth, creamy... young.  I thought about the difference in our ages, lives, experiences.  He might have had "old hands" but they were kind, and the wisdom he had was something to seek after.  I hoped that one day when I had old hands that I might have a quarter of that wisdom.

When my dad was still alive, I noticed his hands many times after that instance. His hands were tanned, strong, steady, and kind.  As the years passed, I noticed the age spots begin to creep in.  As Dad got sick, I noticed the tanned hands were pale.  The strong hands were weak.  The steady hands were shaking.  But they were always kind and that wisdom... he had it.  Again, something to strive for in my life.

I posted a picture on Facebook tonight.  I wasn't happy to discover that my hands have age spots on them.  I considered them and I thought, "They are tan.  They are strong.  They are steady.  But are they kind?  Do I have wisdom?"

I'm going to try to be happy with my "old hands".  If they get pale, okay.  If they get weak, alright.  If they get shaky, so be it.  I'm going to worry about the important things instead.  I'm going to strive for kindness, and for wisdom. I think we need more of both in this world.

It Didn’t Go As Planned… And That’s Okay!

I had an epiphany the other day...



I have no idea if I can put my thoughts into words.



When I was 11, my brother and my sister both got married within two weeks of each other.  For me, the only child left at home, life changed drastically.  We went from a family of 5 at home, to a family of 3.  Change brought many differences in our lifestyle.  We ate out a lot more, did more "fun" things, traveled more, etc.



I\"m not exactly sure why, but all of those changes, differences, made me forget what life had been like before.  As an adult, I can barely remember "family" life with my brother and sister at home.  I can\"t remember ever sitting around a table eating supper together.  I can\"t remember playing outside with them.  I can\"t remember doing ANY family things together.  I remember individual events.  I remember time spent with them, individually, but the actual family memories are gone.  I\"ve often wondered if it was some kind of self-preservation... maybe a way of protecting my feelings when they moved on.



8 years ago, I had another life-altering experience.  I became a single (divorced) woman again.  Life completely changed, in the blink of an eye.  Suddenly, I had to figure things out on my own.  I had to go back to work.  I had to figure out how to raise my kids.  I went from having over 2000 visitors a year to 10.  There were many, many changes.   As time went on, something very similar happened to me, like it did when I was a kid.  I forgot.  I honestly could not remember so much of what "life" was like when I was married.  I remember tons of events and experiences, but general life is hard to remember.  One day, I realized that I couldn\"t even think of one snack my ex had liked to eat.  How odd that I\"d forget something like that after 17 years of marriage.  Was it again a form of self-preservation?



About a year ago, I found our old home movies, but realized I had nothing to play them on, as our Mini DV camcorder had disappeared.  I tried to buy some kind of adapter, but they just aren\"t out there for my kind of camera.  I couldn\"t afford to have the cassettes put onto a DVD at that point, so I just kind of forgot about it for the time being.



A couple of weeks ago, my foot kicked something under my bed.  Now, first let me say that I don\"t keep hardly anything under the beds.  I have 4 paintings and a wedding dress under mine.  But that day... there was something else.  My video camera!  I have no explanation as to how it got there except to say, "God gave it back to me."  I began to watch videos...



I saw family Christmases, birthdays, fun times.  I got to see my Daddy again.  I watched my little kids as they grew, year to year.  I saw us fishing, climbing trees, playing in the snow.  I saw tickles and laughs and hugs.  I saw a FAMILY.  After all this time, I remembered the good times.  I remembered that things weren\"t always bad...  that they were good for a lot of years.  And that made me happy.



I realize now that satan, once again, was a thief.  He stole my memories from me. He made me feel like an idiot... like I\"d been deceived by lies for 17 years and that I\"d never had a happy home.  Like it was wasted time and I had nothing good to show for it.  But you know what?  He was WRONG.



Different isn\"t bad.  Life is a beautiful thing, and I shouldn\"t be so afraid of change.  God can take the ugliest things and bring beauty from the ashes.  I\"m a better person today for the things I\"ve been through.  I hope I can learn this lesson as I move forward in life. I want to embrace change and never, ever forget.  But I also want to never be afraid to remember.

Being Present

Ramblings...

For the past two days, I've been consumed by the phrase "being present".  Being present... what does that really mean?  Don't I live in the present every day?

For starters, I've never had a problem going to sleep.  Many of my friends have struggled with that.  I know people that lie awake at night, dwelling on troubles, issues, problems, even just stupid stuff.  When my ex left, for three nights I laid awake, unable to sleep. At all.  I wondered what would happen to me and the kids.  Where would we go?  What would we do?  Would we survive this loss? On the fourth night, as I lay there worrying, God spoke to me.  It was so clear in my mind.  I felt like He said, "If you got up right this minute, could you fix anything?  At the present time, is there anything at all that you could do, right now, in the middle of the night?"  And honestly, the answer was "No".  There truly wasn't anything I could do right then.  And I felt a calmness, and a peace come over me, and I closed my eyes and went to sleep. That was the last night that I remember having trouble sleeping.

Many times since then, as I've lain down to sleep, I've had a worry or two creep into my thoughts.  And immediately, I will ask myself, "If I get up right now, is there anything at all I can do about this situation?"  Sometimes, the answer is "yes", like make a to-do list or something but almost always, the answer is "No". On the rare occasion that the answer happens to be "yes", I will get right up, do what I need to do, then lay back down and go right to sleep with peace of mind.  At those moments, I feel that I am truly "being present".  I deal with what I can, and then leave the rest for later.

As I've considered "being present" lately, I've come to realize that I am really only present while I'm working on a task, as I lay down to sleep, and in those first few precious moments when I first wake up in the mornings.  I've also come to realize how many times I am NOT truly present.  So many times as I'm chatting with someone, my mind is going in all different directions, sometimes even thinking of what I'm going to add to the conversation, or thinking of a story I'm going to tell.  I'm NOT truly present when I go out to eat with someone.  My phone sits on the table beside me.  Any time it lights up, either with a call, text message, IM or email, I look at it/answer it/deal with it, no matter who I'm with. Even though it only takes my attention for a second, I'm not truly present with my family member/friend/co-worker or whomever I'm eating with.  I'm NOT truly present when someone comes into my office because my mind is often on twenty different things at once.  How hard would it be for me to just really stop and listen to the person in my office?  I mean, really stop and listen... put them first. Be PRESENT.  Why can't I leave my phone in my purse while eating a meal with someone?  In an emergency, someone will call me.  I can miss a text or two.  After a friend's passing this year, I have really regretted not being more present when I was with her.

Even at this very moment I am struggling for presence.  I am writing/typing this blog post, listening/watching the tv, scanning the tabs at the top of my browser, noticing that I have 5 Facebook notifications, 4 Pinterest notifications and 3 unread emails, all the while wondering where Sophie is, how my friend's new cat is getting along with her dogs, what time I need to get up tomorrow,  how Wade's trip is going and what Sheridan is doing. I mean, I'm present, but not really present.

My 2017 resolution is this:  to try harder to be present.  For my family.  For my friends.  For my co-workers.  I think it will make me a better person all the way around.  I think I will be a better listener, a better communicator, a better friend. I think I will remember things better, because I've paid more attention when they were happening.  I think I will be more productive.  I honestly think that I will savor the moments and that 2017 will not rush by near as fast as 2016 did. As I get older, I have more of a desire for time to slow down.  Maybe time is not the problem... maybe it's me.  Maybe it's this busy world we live in...

I'm up for the challenge.  And I challenge each one of you to "be present" in 2017.

Matthew 6:34 says: Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

Let's do this... 2017, Here I come!

An Open Letter To My Ex

An open letter to my ex...

After seven years, you'd think I'd have it all figured out, right?  Wrong.  I'm still learning... a work in progress.  This morning I woke with a strange sense of... realization? understanding? clarity? I can't exactly put my finger on the word I'm looking for.  Clarity might be it. 

I was lying in bed, thinking of all the good things in my life and I realized... I owe those good things to you.  So, from the depths of my heart, "Thank You."

The two very best things I received from our marriage were our kids.  God knew exactly what I needed in this life, and they are it.  Without them, I could not have gone on when you walked away.  So, first and foremost, thank you for them.  They are my heart and soul, and I wouldn't be me without them.

Also, thank you for the many enjoyments and times we had in our marriage. Even though it ended so, so badly there certainly were good times and I have many fond memories.

Thank you for giving me Grandparents.  My grandparents had all passed by the time we met, and yours took me in as their own.  They loved me and cared for me so genuinely.  And I felt the same exact way towards them.  I will always be grateful that our marriage brought me the blessing of them.

And now for the... other stuff.  

Thank you for leaving me.  Thank you for making me stand on my own two feet. Thank you for causing me to be brave.  Thank you for helping me to find myself again.

If it weren't for you I wouldn't have:

1) My Job.  After 17 years as a stay-at-home wife and mother, I found myself lacking.  I lacked confidence.  I lacked motivation.  I simply lacked.  Because you left me, I had no choice but to seek employment.  Man, it was so scary after being out of the workforce for all those years.  I started out at a very part-time job, just to get my feet wet.  And then God directed me to sub at the school. He helped me to be good at that, and to find favor with the administration.  And voila! Here I am today with a great job, and guess what?  I'm good at it!  I really am!  What a pleasant discovery.  So, thank you, for the confidence I have in myself now.

2)  My House.  When you left, I was adamant that the kids and I were going to stay in OUR house, that you would not force us to leave.  I won that argument, and stay we did.  For a year.  At the end of that first year, I asked the kids what they thought about moving in to town.  They were both super excited and on board.  With the help of The Lord, we were able to sell the house and build this one.  Talk about empowering!  I'm still amazed to this day that I waded through all the decisions, whether it be financially or physically, that got this house built. When I think about it, I almost faint in my mind it is so unbelievable. So, again, thank you, for the strength I found within myself.

3)  My family.  You didn't have strong family ties.  Your family wasn't typical when you were growing up, and you didn't feel the strong pull to be with your family like I did.  Unfortunately, being your wife and believing that you had the final say, I missed out on a lot of times with my own family over the years. There weren't very many family trips to see relatives.  We didn't spend weekends at my parents' house just to visit them.  We went when there was a "happening", but we missed a lot of just simple enjoyment with them, and with the rest of my family.  After you left, obviously, I clung to them.  And they were there for me... more than you ever were.  They loved me with a pure, unfailing love.  Since then, I have enjoyed so many times with them.  So, thank you. Thank you for giving me back my family.  Thank you, sincerely, for granting me the gift of time with my Dad before he passed away.  I will forever be grateful for that.

4)  My friends.  It's a funny thing when you are married.  Married people want to hang out with other married people.  Well, at least that's usually the way it works.  We hung out with EVERYONE.  People of all ages, whether married or single.  And yes, it was good.  Really good.  But, you know what?  I didn't feel like I had very many friends.  There is a difference in being friendly with people and having real, true friends.  You know, those people that will have your back, no matter what?  The ones that will be there for you, in the good times, but also in the times when you are a big bawling, slobbery, crying mess?  Yeah, those kind. Thank you so much.  When you left, I discovered who my real, true friends were.  Although I was so sorely disappointed to discover how many I did not have, I was also so incredibly happy to discover who the real ones were.  They know who they are, and I cherish them to this day.

5)  My cat.  Yes, I know, we always had cats.  You were very willing to allow me to have all the cats I wanted.  But never, in any reality, would you have let me have an indoor cat.  So once again, thank you.  Thank you for leaving me.  I love my Sophie-girl so much.  I feel real, honest joy when I look at her.

6)  My free will.  As a child, I grew up totally knowing that the day would come that I would marry, and when I did, that my "job" and "role" was to be in subjection to my husband.  I knew that he would make the rules and the decisions in our home.  So, I willingly gave up my free will and my freedom of choice.  I lived without it for over 17 years, sometimes not so willingly.  So, thank you, for giving that back to me.  You can't imagine how freeing it is to decide whether I want to cook or go out to eat on any given day.  You can't imagine how it feels to think, "I want to watch tv" and turn on the cable that you would never have allowed us to have.  Or even to type this letter... I couldn't do that without the internet, which is also something you wouldn't let us have.  If I want to go bowling, or to the movies with friends, I can.  If I want new clothes, I can go buy them without having to ask anyone.  I can wear all my junky jewelry.  I can dye my hair.  I can go get a pedicure if I want to.  I can make friends at work, I can travel, I can do anything I want to do. There is no way that you can understand that because no one has ever taken away your freedom of choice, your free will.  So, thank you.  I love having it back.

You know, many times over the past seven years, I have not wished you well.  I have been unable to feel kindness towards you.  Thankfully, I kept most of that to myself.  I tried my very best not to say cruel things about you in front of our kids.  You might not have deserved that kindness, but our kids did.  But this morning, as I lay in bed considering all these things, I can honestly say that I wish you well.  I hope you find happiness in this life.  I really do. 

Once again, thank you for leaving me.  If you hadn't, I would never have been able to become the woman I am today.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm confident. I'm capable.  I'm genuine.  I'm sincere.  And you know what else?  I'm okay... and it's a good life.