Betrayal

​Wow.  Where and how do I even begin? 

Recently, I found out, to my utter horror, that I’ve been betrayed by my third closest friend in the world.  Betrayed.  Defamed.  Lied about… blatantly. To say the least, I am devastated.  Completely and utterly devastated.  And I simply don’t know how to move forward.  

I have a guy friend.  We are very close.  We have spent the better part of nine months together.  We’ve laughed, cried, shared, grown, forgave, healed, etc. together.  I’ve helped him and he has helped me.  We have a wonderful, mutual respect for each other.  I’ve posted many of our adventures together on Facebook, well, because I wanted to share my joy with others.  I never tagged him in them, or showed his face, due to unfair judgement and gossip it could bring us.  As careful as I was, I never imagined what a terrible error in judgement that would come to be.  This close friend, who 100% knows that me and my guy are just friends, took my Facebook posts, plus our conversations about my guy, and spread it around, near and far, that I was going around telling people that he and I were involved in a serious, romantic relationship.  I’m not sure what all was said exactly, but there was apparently more.  The thing is… we’re not.  And I have never, nor would I ever, say that when it’s not true.  For one, I’m not a liar.  For two, I know the repercussions that could come from it.  And boy, repercussions sure did come.  

The worst part of being lied on, is just that.  The lying.  This friend literally made up that I was going around telling everyone that.  Like, pulled it out of her butt and completely fabricated it.  And in doing so, she has essentially ruined my life.  My guy friend and I can no longer hang out due to some of the more serious repercussions.  I can’t see his daughter anymore.  He’s having to field phone call after phone call regarding all of this, at one of the worst times in his life.  This so called friend never even considered how awful the ripples of these lies would be.  Surely, if she’d thought of it, she wouldn’t have spread the lies, right?  Unless she just hates me that much deep down.  

You know, previously, I would have literally bet my life on the fact that she’d never do that to me.  We’ve been friends for years.  Years!  It hurts to find out that I’ve been scammed all these years… that she’s not the friend I thought she was.  How does someone do something like that??  

The three people I’ve discussed it with say that she must have been so jealous of my happy life, that it must have made her feel good and important to have something interesting to say, true or not.  Well, she has stolen my happy life from me.  She has put chains on where I can go and what I can do, even who I can be with.  She’s even stolen my Facebook posting from me.  I can’t trust that she won’t take anything I post and use it against me.  I had to even miss National Cat Day yesterday!! 😭😭 

Since I can never share this on my Facebook page. I’m sharing the “post that can never be posted” here.  I just need somewhere to let it out. 

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“For those that know me well, you know that I live within a tiny circle. I don’t let too many people get close to me in order to preserve my world.  For the past 13 years, I have put myself out there on Facebook. I have shared happiness, humor, heartache, joy, frustration, failures, and successes.  That has been my way of sharing a little bit of myself with other people.  It has truly been a joy to me to interact with others in this way.

That being said… one of the things I hate, and I know that God hates it as well, is gossip. I also hate lies. That puts gossipers and liars in the same category. I’ve recently been the victim of betrayal.  My heart is devastated by it.  The worst thing is, you never think you’re going to be betrayed by those that say they love and care about you. 

I’ve always heard the statement, “If someone says bad things to you about me, what does it say about you that they felt comfortable doing that?“  I will also say that gossip is cowardly.  And lies are even worse.  If you want to know something about me, just have the guts to ask me to my face. I will be 100% honest with you because I may be many things in this life, but a liar is not one of them. 

All that being said, apparently there are some “friends of mine“ (and I use that term very loosely today) that have set out to destroy my little world by using the glimpses of my life I’ve shared, all while sitting upon a throne of lies.  I hope you guys are happy.  You know who you are.  And I’m here to remind you that God knows too.  You are lucky that he is a forgiving God, because I’ll be hard pressed to forgive and I will never forget.”

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May God have mercy on their souls.  Like I said, He is a forgiving God.  They are luckier than I am.  Their sins will be forgiven, and no one will be the wiser.  Me?  I have essentially lost everything, and I have to live with the repercussions of their lies forever.  That’s a long, long time.  Sigh. 

REAL TALK # 1 - Transparency

REAL TALK # 1:

I’ve been thinking a lot about being ‘real’ and ‘transparent’ lately.  Especially in pictures.  Honestly, I hate filters on pictures.  I think it sends a terrible message to others, basically saying that your real self isn’t good enough and you must filter it to fit in, or be acceptable.  Sometimes people filter their pictures so much that I literally cannot recognize them when I see them out in public.  How sad is that??  What message are we sending our friends, our kids, our grandkids?  

Y’all.  We all have wrinkles.  Or pimples.  Or dark circles under our eyes.  Or red blotches.  We all look old, fat, frumpy, or just blah sometimes.  We all have bad hair days, or days we are bloated and look gross.  And you know what?  That’s okay!  That’s just our real selves.  God made us that way!  

I’m a selfie taker.  I admit it.  And most of the time, they are terrible.  But I’m okay with that.  

I am the one that likes to take pictures… of scenery, family, animals, friends, events, trips, etc.  But not everyone likes to take pictures, or always have their phone in their hand.  I often take a selfie to show that I was there, in the moment too.  

Y’all, we’re only here for a limited time, all of us.  Take the pictures, take the selfies, but please stop feeling like you must filter every photo of yourself.  Let’s be real.  Let’s be present and in the moment.  And remember, it’s okay to not be perfect.  ❤️

Birthday Musings

Yesterday was my 51st birthday… fifty-one years… wow.  I remember as a teenager how 51 seemed OLD.  Now, as I look ahead, I realize that if I live as long as my mom did, I only have 29 years left.  I understand that 29 years is a long time, but I also know that it will pass in the literal blink of an eye.  On the other hand, 29 more years is a long time to live this life alone… Man, I really want to find my soulmate and live my life to the fullest with them.  How does one even go about finding their soulmate in this life?  I thought I’d found it one time.  I was for sure wrong though. 🤔  

I sure missed my Momma yesterday.  I mean, I always miss both my mom and my dad, but my mom just had a way with birthdays.  It didn’t matter if you were turning 1, 21, or 51, she’d be there to make a big deal out of it.  Although I received many, many wishes yesterday, and I truly cherished each of them, it wasn’t, and will never be the same, without my Momma to make me feel special, to take me to lunch, to buy me too many gifts.  I didn’t even take yesterday off work because I’d have just been alone… 

I’ve really been feeling a ‘loss’ lately.  I think it’s just the realization that I’ve been alone for 12 years now.  That’s a REALLY long time to do this life alone!  That’s too long to be the only adult, the decision maker.  A long time without true love and affection.  Sigh.  Although God has given me so many blessings in this life, I sincerely hope my time alone is almost over, and that He gives me a companion soon. ❤️ 

My mom’s favorite bible verse was Isaiah 40:31.  “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

The older I get, the more I appreciate this scripture.  #waitingontheLordtoprovide

Dream - The Way Home

One night I went to bed, troubled about something.  God gave me a dream that, even though I couldn’t interpret it at the time, would eventually become so clear…

I dreamed that I was driving slowly down a long driveway towards a white double wide mobile home.  In the front yard, there were lots of young kids and young adults playing volleyball. There was only one adult out there with them.  It was a friend of mine that is very friendly to the young people in real life.  As I got closer to them, I realized that all of the young men were naked from the waist down.  All of them.  And this friend of mine ran up to me and said, “come play volleyball with us!” I looked at these naked boys and said, “no, that’s not for me, thanks” and kept driving towards the house.  I was so shocked that no one seemed to care that these young men were naked!  I parked my car around the side of the house and went in the back door.  I walked into the living room and it was full of my friends and brethren from my home assembly. I sat down in the living room but no one spoke to me.  They were just awkwardly looking around at each other.  I specifically recognized two people, although in my dream I knew the rest were Cushing brethren in general. One of the older men looked at me and said, “I think you should go on.  This isn’t for you anymore.”  I was hurt, but got up and left.  As I was driving away from the back of the house, I called my mom and told her I was trying to get home but couldn’t find the right way.  She told me that if I’d get on I-95, and follow it around, that it would bring me home.  I argued and told her that I always went another way.  She just kept insisting that I take this new route and I’d be okay. 

Then I woke up.  Fast forward to today:  The white double wide?  My home church. The adult friend that was out in the yard with the young people?  Turns out, in real life she was cheating on her husband with several of those young men.  The two people I specifically recognized in the house?  They are no longer together.  The man that told me to leave and go on?  An elder in my home assembly where I no longer feel welcome or wanted.  The new route that my mom sent me on?  I’m divorced and trying to find my way to heaven in the midst of chaos.  

Wow.  God was telling me ALL the things, I just couldn’t hear them at the time!  He’s done that for me many, many times over the years.  I need to be a better listener… 

Day 14 of 365

This is the last day that I will be posting my weight journey on my blog.  But it's not over FOR SURE!  I am moving my journey posts to my Facebook group:  "A Year In The Life... My Journey To Fabulous".  Join me there as I navigate this journey with friends!  Friends make everything better!

Today was good.  I cooked and baked all day.  I found a muffin recipe that is great!  PTL!  All I had to do is mix 1 sugar free chocolate cake mix with 1 can of Diet Coke.  It made 24 muffins @ 1.5 points each.  Yippee!

FOOD:  DAY 14 of 365

Breakfast:  2 Kodiak pancakes @ 1.5 points each (3 points), 3 T. of SF Maple Sugar Farms syrup (0 points) and 4 slices of Hormel Black Label fully cooked bacon (3 points) for a breakfast total of 6 points.  YUM!  So thankful my friend told me about that syrup!

Lunch:  I made a delicious Weight Watchers Chicken Mac Casserole, which is basically macaroni and cheese with chicken added.  It was luscious!  And only 3 points per serving.  I paired it with corn (0 points) and a cottage cheese cup (3 points) for a lunch total of 6 points.

Dinner:  Homemade enchiladas (2 points), Great Value refried beans (0 points), green beans (0 points) and 24 bite sized Tostitos (4 points) for a dinner total of 6 points.  It was delicious and very filling.

Snack:  I had to try one of the muffins I made to see if they were any good, so I split one with my mom.  Since they are 1.5 points each, I guess a half of one would be .75 points.

On another note, I did have a tsp of peanut butter before I went to bed and I was down another pound this morning.  I seriously think there might be something to that.  Time will tell.

I'll be back to post occasionally as I hit major milestones, and of course when I hit goal weight.  That will deserve a big, long post.  
42 meals down, 1053 to go! 
In the meantime...

Day 13 of 365

I did it!!!  I lost another pound today to make me "in the next lower tens" which is the lowest I've been in YEARS.  I am super excited about that!!  This is coming from someone who repeatedly said, time and time again, "I can't lose weight.  No matter what I do, I just can't".  Yeah, right.  Talk about motivation to keep going.  I do think eating a few more points each day is helping... and who knows?  Maybe the peanut butter before bed helped too.  Haha!

I had to run to Stillwater today so I totally planned out to have Taco Bell for lunch.  I've been thinking about it and have been biding my time.  Today was the day and let me tell you it was worth every point.  DELISH!  And I love knowing I can have it occasionally without "cheating".  

An NSV (non-scale victory) that I had today:  My mom asked for Long John Silvers for dinner.  Oh man, do I love me some LJS!  But I did not order myself anything, especially since I had TB for lunch.  I drove all the way home smelling that fish (30 minutes) planning to bake some fish sticks for my dinner, but by the time I got home it didn't even smell good anymore.  Woo hoo!  All in all, it was a good day.  

FOOD - DAY 13 OF 365:

Breakfast:  Old faithful, peanut butter toast (6 points).

Lunch:  Taco Bell:  THREE Doritos Locos Tacos @ 5 points each = lunch total of 15 points.  Yikes.  But, I had the points so I *tried* not to feel too guilty about it.

Dinner:  Scout's honor, I was not hungry for dinner.  Like, at all.  I don't know if it was all the fat in the tacos at lunch, the sodium, or what, but I just wasn't hungry.  I knew I needed to eat something though to keep my metabolism going, so I had oatmeal.  I knew it was low fat and low sodium so it was a good choice. Quaker Oats less sugar cinnamon and pecan oatmeal bowl (5 points).  Yummy!

Snack:  0 points so far, but I may throw in a tsp of peanut butter before bed, just to keep my luck going.  We'll see!

Still motivated.  I'm still doing this!  They say if you do something for 21 days in a row, it becomes a habit and is way easier to stick with.  So far, so good, but I'm aiming for that 21 day mark, just in case!

39 meals down, 1056 to go!  #onmyway #nevergiveup

Day 12 of 365

I was down 11 lbs as of this morning.  If I lose .6 tonight, I will weigh less than I have in years and years.  I can't wait and am keeping my fingers crossed!  I just know it's going to happen!!  (I won't let myself be disappointed if it doesn't though... I'll just keep on keeping on.)

Confession:  I'm bored with my food choices that I made this week.  Since I have to cook on the weekends for the whole week, I'm going to have to mix it up some this weekend.  I need new things to try.  I'm shooting for biscuits again, and some kind of muffin... maybe legal cake?  Hey, a girl can dream, right?  #girlonamission

FOOD - DAY 12 OF 365:

Breakfast:  Peanut butter toast again.  3 points for the bread and 3 for the peanut butter for a total of 6 points for breakfast.  Speaking of bread, my dang Walmart doesn't carry my bread, my sausage, my cheese or even club soda!  Ahhhh!  The perils of small town living.

Lunch:  Chicken Fried Rice and Great Northern Beans.  Weird combo, I know.  I added the beans (on the side) for added protein.  I had 1 1/2 servings of the CFR (9 points) because I'm trying to use a few more points each day.  Since my beans were 0 points, my lunch total was 9 points.

Dinner:  Nachos.  I REALLY wanted to make this pizza on Gluten-Free crust that I found, but I was out of pizza sauce, naturally.  I decided to go do my grocery shopping before dinner and by the time I was finished, I certainly was not in the mood to cook anymore.  Nothing at all (legal) sounded good, so nachos it was since they were easy.  I used 30 bite sized Tostitos (5 points), chili beans (0 points), corn (0 points) and 1/2 cup Fat Free cheddar (1 point).  Usually the cheese is 0 points but that's when I only use 1/4 cup.  Dinner total was 6 points.

Snack:  None.

36 meals down, 1059 meals to go.  I'm in it to win it, y'all!  This time next year... woot!  I'm going to be skinny...or at least WAY smaller than I am now.