Courtesy of Wedding Window

Friday, April 18, 2014

I can't help but look back today...

First, let me say that I am not an unhappy person.  Most of the time, I am not even lonely.  However, the holidays make me reflect back on times past, and make me wish that things were different in my life... not only now, but back when my kids were growing up too...

I have always loved "doing" for others. I truly love to buy gifts and give them to those that I love. I love to surprise my kids on their birthdays with a house decorated just for their big days. I love to decorate my home, my kids' rooms, my office at work, bulletin boards at school...  I love Teacher Appreciation Week because I can give out silly little gifts every day. But even though I get so much joy out of those times, I don't do those things just for myself.  I do those things to bring joy to others.  To make other people feel good when they come in my office, enter my home, or even when my kids hang out in their rooms.

I absolutely love to give Easter baskets, birthday gifts, Christmas presents.  I even love to buy fireworks for the 4th of July and candy for Halloween.  Why? Because every single time someone opens a gift, of any sort, from me, a memory is made.  

Thank God for those memories.  Today, my kids are almost grown.  They don't love the holidays anymore like they did when they were little.  I mean, they like them, but the "magic" is gone.  People change, kids grow up.  So now I hold on to my memories of all the fun times we've had in the past.  

Do I wish we had done more fun things? YES.  Do I wish that Bob had allowed us more fun opportunities?  YES. More family experiences?  YES.  Would I do it differently if I had it to do over again? YES.  

And now... am I, a "people" person, happy being single? NO.  Do I wish life were different?  YES.  Do I wish my kids were still little and that we were making new memories, just the three of us? YES. Let me tell you, the loss of family fun night is like a hole in my heart.  

But... life goes on.  Someday there will be better days.  Someday, more treasured memories will be made with my kids.  With my loved ones. Hopefully with grandkids. I plan to be the very best Grandma ever!

For now, I will keep on working two jobs, crash on the weekends because I'm exhausted, and wait.  While I'm waiting, I'll revel in my memories of precious times past... and hope. Thankfully, there is always hope...


  1. I think you are amazing. We are both in the same boat. Our babies have grown... with Beca, though some of the magic is gone, the sentiment is not. Her feelers got hurt last year when Dad announced she was too old for a bunny basket. She'll get one this year. And every year until I am gone. It will be a few years until our grandbabies come. We will be able to rekindle the magic og childhood through them. & grammas are eleventybillion times more magical then moms. True facts. We will be the best grammas ever

    1. Yes, we will be the best Grandmas ever! I would have loved to have your fun, quirky self as a Grandma. Your future grands are blessed to have you!

  2. My mom always made the holidays the way you do. She went to extremes to make sure our faces lit with joy at every opportunity. Now that my parents are divorced she fears that she won't be able to accomplish it anymore, but she's wrong. I'm an adult, but I still wake up on Christmas morning at her house and I am giddy with anticipation! My mom always finds a way to throw in surprises and just make everything perfect. She not only continues to make it magical for her adult children, but she continues it with my children, and when I see their faces light up...... my cup runneth over. Your kids will always remember and appreciate these holidays. I know we do. I love my dad of course, but he doesn't create magic the way my mom always has. His life isn't centered on our faces lighting up, or the absolute joy we can share just by being together. He missed a lot, and even though he tries a little harder now, my mom will always be the one behind the magic. My mom is the real heart behind our broken family, and she's the one who makes it whole again. I just pray I can be like her for my children, and try to create at least half the magic she always has. Keep your head up, and know that even though your kids are older and cooler and might not make as big of a deal over the Easter baskets and fireworks and leprechaun hats...... they are incredibly important and one day they will mean everything to them. The memories of their hardworking, loving mother who was exhausted from working two jobs still had time to bring a little magic into their lives no matter what. I just hope and pray I can be at least be half as amazing as you and my mom are. :-)